Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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