yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
