how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Randomize
