Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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