don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
