if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
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