On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
