I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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