I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Randomize
