one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
