just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
