hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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