There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
