she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
