Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
