I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
