Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
