First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
