Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
