The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
