remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
