I wish my penis had an off switch
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
