I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
