im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
