So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
So much rum. So many feels.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Randomize
