The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
The adults are the big ones right?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
