I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
