My Higher Power is John Stamos
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
