Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
