Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
