i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
