Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I have grass duct taped all over my body
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
