I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
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