If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
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