Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
