I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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