remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
