I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
