Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
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