exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
he high fived his dick after we had sex
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
