I accidentally had phone sex last night
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
