we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
