When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Randomize