I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
