She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
