i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
