dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
