Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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