I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
