I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Randomize
