my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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