waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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