just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize