Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
