She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Randomize
