At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
