Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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