We got so high we made milksteak
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
