checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
