If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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