My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Randomize
