is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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