Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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