He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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