The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
