I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
