True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
