Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
