Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
