You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
